Embrace your Neoliberal Robber Baron Masters, Sheep!

The wide-eyed archeologists gaze upon fresh pages of the manifesto, their unhinged author getting more unhinged with each successive chapter. Diary of a Madman makes a loony foray into politics. Has deranged as these rants are, they have a certain consistency to them. The archeologists are also familiar enough with late 20th and early 21st Century history to know where the autobiographer’s frustration was coming from, and even sympathize a little.

Remember “Net Neutrality” and how important it was? Neither do I. The ever-so-righteous freedom fighters condemning the monopolization of speech by our Silicon Valley Overlords are now those same overlords’ biggest cheerleaders. Yes, you heard that right. Neoliberals parading as leftists now vehemently believe in private property and the undisputed sovereignty of corporations.

“It’s a private network,” they say. “They can censor speech they don’t like. Those platforms are Google/Facebook/Twitter’s private property.”

No, it is not… you, you… mouth-breathing, window-licking, own-fart-sniffing, soy-gulping Bay Area liberal morons!Yes, an online forum like Facefuck is in some sense “pRiVAtE pRoPErTy, but it is still a public forum, like the sidewalk or a strip mall. The civil right of Free Speech still applies there. Actually, it applies in most places, with very few exceptions. Besides maybe, I don’t know, screaming at you in your bedroom, free speech applies pretty much everywhere else, and in all mediums and contexts. Where did insufferable bourgeoisie blue checkmark urbanites get this idea that you can “buy” the right to be a dictator?

Oh, and that ol’ “jUSt gO To a PrIvATe pLatFoRm” argument? Well, that’s exactly what people did. Parler got big, thanks to their controversial model business model of “Pay us every month in exchange for a platform to say what you like, and we won’t censor you or send crawlers to harvest your personal data and sell it to corporations.”

People liked that idea and Parler was doing well, almost like Americans dwell in a free market or something. Then the technocrat cabal came together and crushed it. Because of course they did. Didn’t you know that the “free market” only applies to rich people, you silly goose? And all that stuff about going to another platform? Just kidding. There is no other platform that your rulers won’t crush, and there is no place you can hide without being censored.

Embrace Dictatorship by Soy Wi-fi and Zuckerturd Bots, you slimy Prols! Obey and consume on the finite selection of intersectional-approved corporate channels. If you don’t comply, people with funny-sounding names will call you a bigot or something. Yes, thank you, Tara Barflemonsteinburger, I now see the error of my ways and will check my privilege, stay on Facebook like a good little peasant, and wear three masks while driving alone in my car.

Shit like this is why I hate neoliberals. They took a century and a half of social progress and commodified it into rainbow stickers and Black Lives Matter bobbleheads manufactured in East-Asian sweatshops to be sold by Robber Barons.

Robber Barons. The guys who tweet about International Women’s Day then go to court to defend their God-given right to use nine-year-old girls as slaves to manufacture sneakers, eco-friendly cups, or whatever virtue-signaling fashion statement is currently trending amongst low-T internationalist Reagan-lite social justice warrior pseudo-intellectuals with a cognitive bookshelf consisting of nothing except Harry Potter and that shitty HBO adaption of The Handmaid’s Tale.

A moment of clarification, for that last jab was a little unfair of me. In SJWs’ defense, The Handmaid’s Tale is rape fantasy drivel that makes Fifty Shades of Gray look like Steinbeck. It’s unreadable garbage. Believe me, I tried. When the protagonist low-key twerks for the gate guard guy I just couldn’t take it anymore. That was like Page 5, I think. Margaret Atwood, that poor woman!

I feel too bad for Atwood to even say anything negative about her. She must have suffered some form of abuse in her life, probably during those early formative years as a child or young adult. Her wacky fetishization of reinterpreted Islamist stereotypes is a cry for help. Handmaid’s Tale is so strange and divorced from reality, what else could it be? I’ll bet all of her books are cries for help from a lonely, victimized soul in desperate need of validation. But instead of offering Ms. Atwood sympathy and tons of mood-stabilizing drugs, society fawns at her rambling lunacy and upholds it as the Holy Bible of Woke.

Back to what I was saying. The only people I come even close to hating as much as neoliberals are libertarians. Remember Braveheart, that Mel Gibson movie about the Scottish guy? The one with all the off-kilter homophobic jokes about Edward II being gay (Why did he have to be gay? This contributed to the plot… how?), that equally odd part when blue-faced Sir. Wallace bones the princess (So Edward III was actually Scottish? But…isn’t fathering the dude who grows up to reconquer you kind of a self-own? Nevermind), or, like Gibson movies, climaxed with the unnecessarily long torture scene. Climaxed, eww. Dammit, Mel.

Why do I bring up Braveheart, Dear Reader? Because that silly movie references Prima Nocta, the feudal right of a lord to bed all the blushing brides of his vassals. But wasn’t Prima Nocta just made-up anti-English propaganda mixed with Mel Gibson nonsense?

At first glance, yes. While of course rank has its unofficial privileges, it’s a little weird for such an openly unchristian decree to exist during Christianity’s most fetishized era. This is also a counterintuitive leadership style. Is it a best practice for a medieval nobleman to make everyone else at the banquet table want to cut his balls off? Put yourself in that situation, Dear Reader. Would you be comfortable with any of those guys behind your back after breaking in their wives’ gates with the gentleness of Warwolf? Probably not. Nor would I.

Nonetheless, I believe Prima Nocta must have existed, though most likely in a more subtle format. I believe this because libertarians exist. While no normal person would ever be okay with his wife getting plowed by the local rich guy, a libertarian would be okay with it.

“Prima Nocta is his feudal right!” the libertarian shouts. “If you don’t like it, move to a different fiefdom!” Seeing your doubtful expression, the libertarian doubles down. “He boned my wife!”

“How could you possibly be okay with that, let alone boast about it?” A sane person groans.

“Because someday I’ll be rich too and can indulge in some Prima Nocta myself.”

“This is 14^th Century Europe.” “This is one of the most stratified societies in history! Literal feudalism! Upward Mobility is like 0%! You are not going to be rich. Ever! None of us are!”

“Only if you’re a lazy freeloader who refuses to work hard and lift himself up by his bootstraps!” the libertarian sneers, still wallowing in his over-9,000 levels of self-defeating stupidity. “You just wait! My tannery makes me 20 pence in net profit every year. After the feudal lord takes his share of 50 pence from that, I save the -30 pence left over! I’ll be rich in no time!”

“But… never mind.”

Libertarians are so stupid they would defend literal Nazism, as long as it was done in death camps owned by private corporations and not those evil government-owned death camps. But I still hate neoliberals more. Why? Because nobody actually listens to libertarians. A libertarian is like that strange guy in sociology class who is always quiet except to abruptly make a rude joke at the most tone-deaf possible moment. They’re weird and have no friends.

But neoliberals? Oh, no. They’re popular and more difficult to defeat than a panzer division. The Nazi war machine lost World War II because their lightning war tactics could smash through even the strongest defenses, but they lacked the logistical know-how and mechanization to keep their forces supplied in enemy territory.

In contrast, soy boys, purple-haired fascists with septum piercings, and all the other real-life memes of shrieking dreck that comprises the foot soldiers of the neoliberal movement are masters of logistics. Nazi stormtroopers eventually got tired. The neoliberals never sleep. The Nazi tanks eventually ran out of petrol. Neoliberals are fueled by an endless supply of soy latte. The Nazi army eventually withered under the onslaught of frostbite in the Russian winter. Neoliberals can protest and riot in “every clime and place.”

And… oh no. Neoliberals vote. Even people too stupid to find the DMV, let alone pass a driver’s test, somehow still figure out how to vote, and in appalling numbers. Everything that makes humanity good and beautiful has been squashed back into the keep. The neoliberal cancer has broken down the gate and it’s too late to stop them. They are coming.

Neoliberals are the useful idiots of the 21^st Century. In the more educated and affluent world of today, it should be harder for Robber Barons to shove their tyranny of the dollar and cult of the squiggly line down our throats. They know that and have changed tactics. The Robber Barons invented a new Blitzkrieg, and neoliberals are their shock troops. People won’t accept 16 hour shifts in a sweatshop, but for some reason the Robber Barons have managed to convince enough voters to accept an intersectional sweatshop where you can choose your own gender.

My God, Stalin was right. Neoliberals do belong in a gulag. That was a harsh and not-nice thing for him to do, but what else can be done with these people?

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Ian Kummer

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