Girls Love the Horoscope Because They’re Stupid
The Madman apparently hates the Horoscope. A lot. In his words, “Women’s unquestioning devotion to the Horoscope is a constant of our universe that cannot be resisted any more than we can resist gravity. You doubt me? Go speak to a woman right now.“
I’m no Nostradamus, but I’m right and you know it. By all probability, this will happen. I dare you to screw up my prediction. Do whatever you want! Travel to any corner of the Western world. Heck, pick a woman at random. Whether she’s a coworker, a fellow regular on the 7:00 a.m. train to your respective jobs in the city, or the waitress serving your table at Applebees, it won’t impact the 99.999% chance that she believes in the Horoscope.
Women love astrology so much, they’ll shoehorn it into literally every conversation, especially that first dialogue with a new friend. Within five seconds of meeting you, she’ll ask when your birthday is. At this point of no return, there’s no escape short of fleeing the woman in terror. But of course you won’t, you horny bastard.
Not even God can pluck you from the torture descending on you like the ravenous swarm of locusts about to eat up stone-hearted Pharoah’s kingdom in that famous Charlton Heston movie. You will internally scream as the woman rambles on and on and on about how your entire personality is defined by being an asparagus born during the alignment of Jupiter or some shit.
Hell exists and we live in it. God created Adam just so he could play a prank on him. It was nice of God to invent women for us, but why did he have to make them so dumb? The horoscope is dumb. Everything women have and ever will come up with is dumb. Women are so dumb, they can take literally any object or idea and make it just as dumb as them, and they ravaged science just as badly as all other topics.
One day some Men invented astronomy. As usual, the men’s wives asked what they did that day. I must confess that men are stupid too and here’s why. No matter how many times women do this to us, we continue to run our big fat mouths and repeatedly make the same mistake. The men explained their exciting new toy to the women. Astronomy, it’s so exciting! The wives were excited too and it wasn’t a gesture of empty validation, the wives grasped the novelty of men’s latest scientific concept. Women have always understood a scientific breakthrough shared to them by men and could correctly repeat it all back.
Women aren’t stupid or cognitively stunted. How could they be? Women are the same species as men and just as intelligent as us. That’s not the problem.
200,000 years ago men’s logic centers of the brain reached new heights, in a horrible twist of fate that there’s no plausible explanation for except an act of God, women’s logic centers somehow didn’t progress at all. They might have somehow done the opposite. Women can’t resist the urge to do this and it’s not even their fault.
They compulsively take every single idea men come up with and ruin it with dumb nonsense.
Oh, who am I kidding? It’s kind of men’s fault that women are like this, so we have little leg to stand on to complain. Men hold women to a double standard. You see, Dear Reader, when a man says something dumb, oh, don’t worry, he won’t believe that dumb thing for long.
When a man says something dumb, every other man within a ten-mile radius will breathlessly sprint to the poor bastard and tell him his idea is dumb, and he’s dumb for believing it. Men compete with one another for social status, and that takes a lot of work. So we instinctively search for every low-hanging fruit of a fellow penis owner saying something dumb, or even a smart thing that sounds a little dumb when taken out of context.
But all those men who laughed at their peer’s hypothesis will do the exact opposite to a woman speaking up. even if the woman’s statement is five seconds, even if she says literally the same thing as what the man just said. No matter how dumb the woman’s idea is, the entire guy population heaps praise on her.
We breathlessly inform the woman, who by now is with trembling with sexual excitement at the shower of unearned and nightmarishly cringe compliments. That’s an important bit of human evolution to understand. Women like gang bangs, but men tend to look down on them for doing that, so getting stupid compliments from fifty men at the same time is the next best thing she can do without being branded with the universal scarlet letter of “A..asy.”
Can you imagine how painfully stupid we would look to a group of Reptilian invaders? When men talk to a woman who’s even remotely attractive, they both sound like elite members of the Darwin’s Rejects club. Throughout the ages, it has almost always been some variation of this:
Attractive Woman: Grooga has longer hair than me and that makes me sad. So I started a rumor that she eats poo and all the girls call her Stinky Grooga. I still feel sad, but Stinky Grooga feels more sad. Maybe if I’m mean enough, Grooga will kill herself. Then I’ll have the nicest hair in the village!
Idiot Man: Well, I think your hair is nice. I stabbed a squirrel yesterday.
AW: Two moons ago I decided I wanted to be a village elder. But they didn’t let me join the council because they’re mean and stupid and hate women and probably make sex with other men and have very small penises.
IM: Wow that’s crazy. You would be the best elder ever! You have nice hair.
AW: They don’t want women to join them because we’re fierce and sexy and that makes the elders jealous. They pretended not to hate women but they were just making up excuses. They said they truly could not care less if I joined, but I had to prove that I’m smart enough first. Which was a lie!
IM: The village elders don’t want you to join them because they’re stupid. But I’m not like other men.
AW: The problem I picked was how come birds can fly by flapping their arms really fast but humans can’t? Yesterday I flapped my arms as hard as I could but nothing happened. So I was like, I was standing on the ground when I tried flying. Birds like trees because jumping out of trees helps birds fly. So if people jumped out of trees we could fly too.
IM: Did they like your idea?
AW: I told the elders my smart idea but they didn’t like it. They didn’t even hold a vote like they’re supposed to. They just agreed that plague killing half the tribe last summer was pretty bad, but even if the Gods told them to choose between the plague happening every summer forever, or having to listen to me talk again, they would pick forever plague. The elders were all mean, but Chief was the meanest. Chief said he’s 35 elk migrations old and will probably die around his 40th migration, but listening to me made him wish he could die sooner, preferably right now. I know he’s lying, though. The real reason is that he’s a poophead with the smallest penis ever.
IM: I agree!
AW: Agree with who? That I’m the stupidest creature on the planet? The “irrefutable proof that Darwin was wrong?”
IM: No! I mean… wait. The chief really said that?
AW: The elders are just jealous of my idea and mad they didn’t think of it first. ” So I stood my ground and said it’s unfair to bar women from the council just because we can’t fly. That’s a lie. He’s just mean woman hating little man.
IM: You’re so smart. What’s your favorite color?
***
What is the point of verbal and written communication if we are just going to abuse this sacred gift? Why did we invent written communication at all? Good question.
It all happened a few hundred thousand years ago or whatever. Hunting parties weren’t doing very good and men held an urgent meeting to brainstorm ways to reduce casualties. Eventually a guy had an epiphany. He realized it’s possible to use grunts and howls as a way to communicate a message; an extremely specific message, actually. “Look out Grog (Man), there’s a sabertooth behind you!“
Incidentally, gender-specific references for humans, like “Grog,” were among the first words invented. That’s because someone at the meeting expressed concern that if there was no differentiation between the sexes, spoken language might come off as “girly.” It had be very clear from the get-go that spoken language is cool, because any idea that becomes associated with women instantly becomes uncool. The last time a group of men became uncool, the other tribes laughed and threw poo at them. One of his friends pointed out that the word he had just used would be a good name for women. Ironically, the evolutionary need for gendered words was simultaneously expressed and solved in the same breath.
Everyone was encouraged about man’s new advantage over our feline enemies, but things didn’t go as well as one would have hoped.
Ten minutes after leaving the village someone shouted “Look out Man, there’s a sabertooth behind you!” and the entire hunting party spun around in confusion. Warnings were a great idea but it was missing a crucial element. None of the twenty men present knew who the speaker was addressing until a bunch of them were mauled by a hungry sabertooth. Yet again, men were rudely reminded that sabertooths liked to eat them because it was so easy. There was literally nothing easier to eat than people. Even antelope were harder because they could run fast and had antlers which could sort of be a hazard to an assailant. Men, on the other hand, were just walking meatbags with no defenses except rocks and little pointy sticks.
After several more disasters like this, men held a second emergency oogah-gerr-ohga-grah (men unanimously agreed that they really needed to come up with a better word than that). After many hours of frantic debate, it dawned on men that there needed to be a specific word for each individual man on a hunting party. A warning is a little useless when nobody has any idea who it was intended for.
As helpful as he was in the previous session, the inventor of human language, that first linguist in our history, didn’t have much to say this time around. That’s because he was one of the casualties of a completely entirely self-inflicted incident of confusion. Despite this, his friends appreciated him so much they made a monument in his honor; a rock they hacked at for a few minutes before realizing that sculpting is kind of hard and the rock was already good enough.
Unfortunately, the fallen soldier had perished before the second meeting that invented names, so he was simply named “Grog,” which means “man.” So the group just made up a proper name. After picking a new name, the men scrawled what they thought was a good representation of that name on the memorial rock. And so it happened, less than a week after inventing the first spoken language, men made the first attempt at written language. It was completely incompetent, but a huge breakthrough nonetheless.
The next day, nobody could remember what they named their village’s first hero, but it really didn’t matter at this point.
Ian Kummer
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