What if Real Countries Were Warhammer 40k Factions?

Finally, it’s time to ask the hard-hitting questions. Like, what if real countries were factions in the popular sci-fi tabletop wargaming franchise?

I’ll take this very seriously and match up some of the fictional factions with real countries.

USA: Space Marines

Space Marines are the primary warriors of a decaying galactic empire ruled by a 10,000 year old corpse who feeds on children. Space Marines travel on ancient battle barges no one remembers how to properly maintain anymore, and rely on equally ancient weapons that can’t be replicated, so are irreplaceable once destroyed.

An ancient, crumbling battle barge in the Imperial Navy

Imperial society is irrationally afraid and superstitious, so anyone smart enough to invent new technology is executed for heresy before he gets far. Saying something even mildly insensitive, like implying that the God Emperor is not the legitimate ruler of the human race, is enough to get a person removed from his job and investigated by the imperial authorities.

Western Europe: Chaos Space Marines

The Chaos Space Marines are weird sado-masochists who worship the blood gods. They claim to be superior to everyone else but are actually intellectually bankrupt buffoons who think being edgy and being creative are the same thing. The lamest, most unimaginative faction in the WH40K universe, literally just a gay retarded version of the Space Marines no matter how much they deny it.

Chaos players be like “Oh but our units have such deep and interesting lore!”
The lore:

Russia: Orks (of course)

Orks are a race of uncouth savages who shouldn’t ever win, but do anyway for some reason. Their weapons and technology, despite being ugly, are highly effective and deadly, baffling even the best imperial scientists. Orks are obsessed with the color red, which seems to have a mystical quality for them. Painting Ork vehicles and weapons red makes them go faster. Ork infantry go waaagh! and bludgeon their enemies to death with shovels.

During the siege of imperial forces in Bakhmut, Ork Warboss Prigozhin challenged Colonial Governor Voldomyr Zelensky to a one-on-one aerial duel to determine the fate of the city. Zelensky refused.

Ukraine: Imperial Guard

There are not enough Space Marines to control the whole galaxy, so they conscript men and boys from the local population into the ranks of the Imperial Guard. The Imperial Guard are considered too weak and inferior to be trusted with the advanced weapons of the Space Marines and, as mentioned already, the empire simply does not have enough good weapons to equip everyone even if they wanted to. So instead, the Imperial Guard must use primitive human wave attacks to overwhelm their enemy with sheer numbers. Any IG trooper who tries to run away or surrender is shot in the back.

China: The Tau Empire

Space communists who feel very good about themselves and literally think they’re the center of the universe. They could totally defeat the Space Marines and Taiwanese Imperial Guard if they wanted to, they just haven’t because, you know, reasons. Despite all their talk about being better than the human empire, Tau elites still send their children to imperial universities. Tau who cannot afford to go to an imperial university go to an Ork university, and then complain that an imperial university would be better. Actually it seems like Orks did the most damage to the galactic order, but that doesn’t stop the Tau from taking credit for it.

Ian Kummer

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