Imagine a train transporting Jews and POWs to a Death Camp. It’s late enough in the Holocaust that everybody has a pretty good idea what’s coming. They’re all about to be worked to death, used as ghastly science projects, or simply executed by gas. Suddenly, the train veers into a siding and stops. Guards brandishing submachine guns swing open the train’s doors and herd streams of terrified passengers outside. Everyone is about to be executed right here and dumped into a ditch! So this is the end. It just came a little sooner than expected and maybe that’s a good thing.
To the astonishment of all, the guards grin and lower their weapons. What is this, some kind of bad joke? How could a train full of “undesirables” stop for any reason except to kill them early? Before anyone has time to contemplate the strange turn of events, an SS officer approaches.
“Our glorious leader is up for reelection!” He shouts.
The crowd stares back at him in stunned disbelief, then breaks into confused chatter. Normally, people don’t run their mouths at Nazis holding guns, but this news is too weird for anyone to take quietly.
“Ack tung!” The SS officer wrinkles his face with fury. “Stop all zis racket at once!”
“How stupid do you think we are?” A man grumbles. “Alright, you’ve played your little joke. Haha, very funny. Can you put us out of our misery, now?”
“You think I pull you out of ze train to tell zeely jokes?”
“Come on! Hitler doesn’t need to be reelected!”
“Of course Hitler needs to be reelected, you shifty Jew!” the officer stamps his boot indignantly. “What, do you think Hitler could just… waive elections? Tell the military to take over? Imprison journalists for saying bad things about him? Concentrate all his enemies into… special camps of some sort? Ridiculous! That would be against ze rules! Now shut up while I’m talking!”
“My God, he’s serious!” A rabbi exclaims. “Hitler wants to carry out the largest genocide in history and conquer the entire world, but for some weird unexplainable reason he has to be reelected first.”
“Why would a guy who literally wants to be dictator have to bother with more elections?” The first man asks. “Did he make a pact with the devil and this is some sort of strange rule he has to follow? Is this in Revelations?”
“I guess.” The rabbi shrugs. “Sure. Why not?”
“There are two candidates.” The SS officer explains while troopers hand out lanyards and sharpies. “Your first candidate is literally Hitler who plans to exterminate you, and the second candidate is… some other guy.”
“Ever since the Nazis caught us, I’ve prayed day and night for a miracle.” Cries out a woman clutching a baby to her breast. “I begged for a miracle, and God gave us a miracle! I thought I would be grateful for anything, regardless of what it was. But… this? This is just… just… dumb. I’m a little offended.”
“Remember.” The fascist grins sadistically. “Absolutely no cheating! If you cheat, you’ll completely get away with it and there will be no consequences. However, Hitler and all the Nazis will be very angry, and we’ll write lots of letters to tell everyone how angry we are. Now count! Count ze ballots!”
The rest was history. Adolph Hitler’s opponent won by 128% of the vote, the Nazis were promptly thrown into prison, and Hitler was banned from Twitter. The free world was now finally free from tyranny. Germany’s new president celebrated by bombing an orphanage in Syria and blaming it on Assad.
And that president’s name was Albert Einstein.
Ian Kummer
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