In the timeless classic Lord of the Rings, Frodo involuntarily became cannon fodder in a war beyond his understanding.
***
“Hello, Frodo, what do you think of that ring I left for you?”
“I like it a lot, thanks Gandalf! Didn’t you mention that it turns me invisible too? I’m going to have so much fun pulling pranks on Tim.”
“Tim? Who’s that?”
“Gandalf, you know who Tim is. My dumbass servant.”
“Uh, you mean… Sam?”
“Yes, him, whatever.”
“Frodo, there is something very important I need to tell you.”
“Really? What’s that?”
“The ring is more addictive than crack.”
“It would have been nice if you told me that before I picked it up.”
“No, that wasn’t the important thing I was going to tell you, I just mentioned it for context.”
“Is this some kind of joke, Gandalf?”
“No, Frodo, I’m very serious. There are nine supernatural beings who are going to try to brutally murder you for the rest of your life.”
“What? Why?”
“Because they want the ring.”
“You mean the ring that you just tricked me into touching, and now can’t get rid of because it’s more addictive than crack? Thanks a lot, Gandalf the Grey! Wait, how do they know I’m the one who has the ring? Bilbo had it for most of his life and no one tried to kill him.”
“When Bilbo was on that quest with me, he stole the ring from a creepy meth head. Those supernatural guys recently caught the meth head and tortured him.”
“So? He couldn’t have known anything except that a random traveler stole the ring from him.”
“Bilbo told the meth head his name.”
“Of course he did. What an idiot! Wait, if Bilbo told the meth head his name, the supernatural guys will go after him, not me.”
“No, Frodo, he told the meth head his last name and where he’s from. The supernatural guys only know that they need to find someone in the Shire named Baggins.”
“And Bilbo left me all his property, which was strangely generous of him. Then he skipped the country and didn’t tell anyone where he was going. How convenient. Gosh, I wonder why he did that. So as far as the supernatural guys know, I’m the only person named Baggins and I have the ring. Now, thanks to you, I do in fact have the ring so they’re not wrong.”
“You’re a fast learner, Frodo. That’s going to be a really important skill moving forward.
“I appreciate the vote of confidence, you old bastard! On the bright side, at least the ring turns me invisible. I’m going to be on the run and in constant fear forever, but at least I can hide. Supernatural or not, they’ll never catch me.”
“No, the ring’s invisibility screen won’t help you because they can see through it.”
“I’m trying to turn lemons into lemonade, but you’re not giving me much to work with. Since apparently, I’m going to be in the wilderness hiding in caves for the rest of my natural life, I’ll have to deal with robbers, trolls, and other monsters who want to eat me. At least the ring will help me hide from them.”
“You cannot under any circumstances use the ring, not even to hide yourself from other enemies. If you put it on your finger for even one second, the ring will instantly tell those supernatural guys your exact location.”
“So not only will the ring probably get me killed, it’s useless.”
“To be honest, the ring won’t ‘probably’ get you killed.”
“I’m trying count my blessings, Gandalf, but I’m straining to imagine how this situation could possibly be worse. At least there are only nine people trying to kill me. Granted, if I hadn’t met you, that number would still be zero, but I’m thinking positive.”
“Frodo, you’re forgetting something. I already told you the ring is more addictive than crack.”
“Yes, I remember. I will never forget the moment when you told me that. When I heard those words, I looked down at the ring in my hand, and realized I’m screwed for life. So what? Why does that matter? You suckered me into touching the ring, but as long as I’m careful to not let anyone else touch it, they won’t get addicted and try to kill me. There’s no conceivable reason that wouldn’t work. Tell me why, Gandalf! Why won’t that work, you mothball-infested conman?”
“The supernatural guys work for a god who wants to take over the world.”
“Of course they do. But what do you mean I ‘forgot’ something? What does this god have to do with the ring being addictive?”
“That god is directly connected to the ring, Frodo. Now that he’s on the alert and moving his forces, the ring is a thousand times more addictive than when Bilbo had it.”
“You did not tell me that!”
“The ring has gotten so overwhelmingly powerful, it’s not necessary to touch it anymore. That means there aren’t going to be nine people trying to kill you, Frodo. Everyone will want to kill you. Everyone you meet for the rest of your life will want to kill you. Just standing in the same room with the ring for too long will make people irrationally violent. On an unrelated note, how long have we been chatting? I have an important appointment.”
“No, you don’t, you liar! Nobody has appointments in the middle of the night. This is wonderful. I’m going to have to live like a hermit deep in the mountains as far away from civilization as I can possibly get. You made my day, Gandalf.”
“Living away from people won’t help. That god will go to the ends of the Earth to find you.”
“So? He only has nine men.”
“He also has tens of billions of soldiers. I actually did forget to mention that part, sorry.”
“Are they magic soldiers like the supernatural guys, or just normal soldiers? The deck is already so absurdly stacked against me it doesn’t matter if they’re magic or not, I’m just curious.”
“They’re orc soldiers, so they’re normal. But they have a heightened sense of smell, are excellent trackers who can follow a trail any distance, march fifty miles a day, and never get tired.”
“So I can’t hide from them, and I can’t outrun them either. Beautiful.”
“They also have no problem resorting to cannibalism if necessary. You’ll starve to death long before they even start to get uncomfortable.”
“Is there anything else I should know, Gandalf?”
“Not only is the god looking for his ring, everyone else is trying to beat him to it.”
“I’m not surprised. Every living person will want to kill me whether or not we’ve met.”
“No, Frodo. Every sentient creature will want to kill you.”
“Got it. Every sentient creature will want to kill me.”
“Oh, the necromancers! I almost forgot about them.”
“Alright. Every sentient creature, alive or dead, will want to kill me. Anything else?
“No, I think that’s… hold on, there was one last thing. Remember that meth head Bilbo stole the ring from? Those supernatural guys let him out of jail.”
“I already knew the entire universe wants me dead. Why does one extra person mean anything at this point?”
“Because he had the ring for so long he bonded with it. Now that the ring is exponentially more powerful, he will always know where you are, even if you’re not wearing it. Everyone wants to kill you, but at least they have other things to do sometimes. Even the god who made it has other irons in the fire. But the meth head’s entire existence revolves around that ring. Getting his hands on it again is all he thinks about every second of every day. He barely needs any sleep, and even then still dreams about the ring.”
“So he’s more dangerous than everyone else.”
“He’s more dangerous than everyone else combined.”
“Is there anything else I should know?”
“He’s a cannibal.”
“Lovely, I can’t wait. Anything else?”
“I’m sure he’s pissed that your uncle stole his ring and got him tortured and will almost certainly take it out on you.”
“So he’ll torture, kill, and eat me, and maybe not in that order. Ten minutes ago that would have bothered me. Anything else?”
“No, I think that’s it.”
“Are you sure?”
“In hindsight, I really should have written this all down before visiting you, but if I realize I forgot something later, I’ll come back.”
“Only if you can find me.”
“Don’t be silly, Frodo. Of course I’ll be able to find you. It won’t even be hard for me. I’ll probably find you in under five seconds.”
“I should have known. You are a high-level wizard, after all.”
“Let’s not get carried away. I’m a medium-level wizard.”
“That’s still impressive, Gandalf. There aren’t very many wizards.”
“Very true! There are only a few thousand wizards at most.”
“That’s… more than I thought. Are all wizards good?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that’s comforting.”
“I mean no.”
“What was that?”
“Some wizards are bad.”
“Some? How many is some, Gandalf?”
“Hmm, quite a few. Many? Now that I think about it, the vast majority of wizards are bad. Absolute power corrupts absolutely or something.”
“That’s understandable. Magic is extremely powerful and hard to learn.”
“Oh no, that’s not true at all, Frodo. Magic is easy to learn, especially simple spells like this one. You don’t even need to be a wizard. You could look it up in a library book. Anyone could find you. A moron could find you!”
“I appreciate all your help, Gandalf. Maybe I should get ready to leave now. Right after I update my will.”
“Don’t lose hope. I will do everything in my power to help you. That’s all you need to know for now.”
“Wait a minute! Bilbo took the ring from the meth head and told you about it. You’ve known this whole time. You’ve known for decades, but never bothered to kill him because you were too lazy.”
“Frodo, that’s unfair of you. I was not being lazy.”
“Then why didn’t you kill the meth head before the supernatural guys got to him? He was the only other person on the planet who knew that Bilbo stole the ring. Without him, the supernatural guys would have nothing. They wouldn’t even know where to start looking.”
“I was trying to find him! They just found him first.”
“You find people all over Middle Earth, go talk to them whenever you feel like it, and have never once indicated that this was a hard thing for you to do. You were literally telling me just now about how easy it is. Actually, you didn’t even need to do that. When you found out Bilbo had the ring, why didn’t you immediately turn around and kill the guy he stole it from?”
“I was already on a quest, Frodo. I couldn’t just abandon it.”
“That quest was really stupid and I don’t understand why you were on it to begin with.”
“We had to kill that scary dragon.”
“You mean Smaug? Yes, tell me about that. What was your plan? I don’t think you even had one. It was pure, dumb luck that there was an archer around who knew how to kill him. That guy wasn’t even on your team, he just happened to be there.”
“Fortune favors the bold, Frodo.”
“Smaug wasn’t hurting anyone. He was minding his own business until you went and pissed him off for no reason. An entire city was destroyed and thousands of people died so some dwarves could get their gold back. That whole quest was stupid and you could have easily postponed it for a few days while you killed the meth head.”
“Pity stayed my hand.”
“That’s stupid. What’s the real reason?”
“I just didn’t think of it, alright? Get off my back.”
“At least I have a wizard friend. I assume you’re going to protect me?”
“Sorry, I can’t. I have very important wizard business to attend to.”
“What could possibly be more important than this ring a god is trying to get back so he can take over the world?”
“It’s too complicated for you to understand.”
“Why didn’t you take the ring, Gandalf? At least you’re a wizard.”
“I didn’t want to…”
“You didn’t want to what? What didn’t you want to happen, Gandalf?”
“I would be tempted, Frodo. Believe me, I would only want to use the power to do good. But through me, the ring would do things too terrible to contemplate. I didn’t want to become addicted to it.”
“But you were fine with me becoming addicted.”
“In all honesty, yes.”
“Gandalf.”
“Yes, Frodo?”
“I hate you.”
Ian Kummer
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I enjoyed the humour; that took some effort. Or maybe humour comes more naturally to you than me!
Years ago I wrote an article tracing modern imperialism with its false facade of free market ideology, (we’ve seen how well they’ve adhered to those principles lately, haven’t we!) in which I used The Lord of The Rings as a parable of resistance to imperialism. The Hobbits of course, represented ordinary folks who just want to be left alone to live simple lives in harmony with the natural world.
I still believe that apart from a well-written story and great film, the universal appeal of LOTR is based on a universal mistrust of, and repulsion towards, imperialism.
This is why the West has gone crazy with the propaganda – they are presenting Russia as the imperialist. Will work for a while, but Truth comes out in the end.
There was a model – partly insightful, partly vulgarizing, as all models are – that a society is a triangle, made of three forces. Plebs, king and some elites in between – more powerful than commoners, but less than a king. More numerous than a king, but less than commoners. King can be called president, or general secretar or helmman, whatever.
That model said, the western society sturucture formed with Magna Carta, when elites and plebs united to cut king to size. This became the “social DNA”, with western “kings” always trying to evade the burden of “elites” and “plebs”, and those latter always fearing “a tyrant, a dictator” most of all and doing (and overdoing) everything to prevent one from hatching.
It also said the Russian society formed around salt/copper riots. When elites took strong crisis as a chance to line their pockets, disregarding everyone, which forced king and plebbs to unite against elites. Which became Russia’s society DNA always self-replicating. Elites, trying to rip off both the state (the king) and the plebs and get away. Plebs pleaing to the king to cut elites to size. And king, despite his wishes to be elitarian, again and again forced to draw his influence in plebs ire against elites.
Again, all models by definition are blurring out details and simplifying things, but… Did it ring some bell? 😀
Made me laugh, thank you for that:)